two person holding papercut heart

True Love

Every day all over the world at any given moment, someone is wondering if they have found their true love.  They feel the tingles, butterflies, and a whole array of emotions and biological reactions that tell them that at last, true love has been found.  Most people have been there before….even grade-school boys and girls have sworn to each other that one day they would get married.  Teenagers are swooning over each-other and adults are falling head over hills.  This feeling is how we know we have found true love right?  Well, for it to be this easy of a process would make it a cheap thrill.  True love is deep with intricate levels that must be understood before diving head first into the vast ocean called true love.

WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT

Some people see love as merely seeing someone you have a strong physical attraction to as a person to love.  Some see loving someone else as being able to spend time with one who makes you happy.  Some see it as a full feeling of strong desire to be with somebody all the time who makes you laugh, spends money on you, or makes you feel special.  These are all good, but they are not the complete view of love.  With such a limited view of love, eventually you will be disappointed.  You must see love in its full scope in order to be equipped to love and be loved truly.  You must see true love as something that must be proven. 

First, true love is not infatuation which is a fleeting quick feeling of strong desire for someone.  You can have infatuation with ice cream and brownies if you’re not careful.  But ice cream will melt.  True love takes time to discover and develop, which brings us to our first element. Time!  Meeting someone and enjoying their company can be done over and over in one’s life.  Continuing to do this with the same person in multiple situations is key to knowing if the love is true.  Time exposes feelings, mentalities, character and everything else.  Nobody is perfect, but time will always test the waters, which is where we get the idea of dating from.  Dating or courtship not only gives one the opportunity to sit across the dinner table with an interesting person they want to get to know,  but it reveals the person.  There are things the other person will say that will draw you closer, or repel you.  The way they look will entice you, give you no feeling, or make you want to run.  The way they smell will heighten your senses, or repulse you.  And as the night progresses, their behavior will score points with you or take points off the score board.  But even if someone scores a touchdown that night in every area, time will still tell all.

Before dating, you should know what you are looking for so that when it shows up, you will recognize it.  Knowing what you are looking for starts with finding out what you like.  Now sometimes you may have to date a little bit and have a few bad and good experiences to know what kind of person interests you. But the discovery of self takes time in and of itself, so do not rush your quest for true love. What sparks your interest?  Do you find intelligence highly attractive in a person?  What about the ability for someone to communicate well or express themselves? Are you a very humorous or witty person yourself?  Do you like to have deep emotional conversations and are you in tune with the unseen part of yourself?  Are you a spiritual person who enjoys talking about spirituality or religion?  Are you a sports fanatic who knows all the stats or a gym rat who takes body image very seriously?  All of these questions will help you understand yourself and what you may like.

On the other hand, are there some things you just can’t stand?  Also, are there some things you can merely tolerate in a person, but do not celebrate?  I ask this question because the things you tolerate in a mate, you may one day hate.  Just a thought…For instance, did he leave a lousy tip after dinner?  But you love a generous man.  Don’t overlook that!  Or was it getting chilly outside and he didn’t offer to give you his coat?  Or did you get in the car without him opening it for you madam’? These actions may translate into meaning that he is a little self-centered and will not put you first.  Did he glance at the chick walking by in a way that made you uncomfortable.  He may have an issue with looking at other women which means it will be an insecure relationship.  Does he show weakness or make excuses?  You have a soft man on your hands and if you dislike this characteristic, it will make you want to kill him eventually….or maybe just run in the other direction.  These are all things you may find cute or excusable at first because…after-all nobody is perfect right and you love him?  But all of these are little issues that will soon be slapping you in the face.  And no, you cannot change him.  Most of these little things people do are because of deep rooted character issues.  Not saying a man cannot change, but that takes communication on your part and desire on his.  Are you willing to do that?  Well, test the waters in the dating process to see if he will be willing to change and then let time tell you if indeed the change has been made. 

 YOU “GET” ME

The truth is that opposites do not attract.  People are not magnets where opposites pull toward each-other and like-poles repel. That happens to be an age old lie that has cast so many people into relationship hell.  Ordinarily when people see or meet someone they may be interested in, they are subconsciously looking for commonality in every area.  This is why we hear some people say that they met someone and it feels like they’ve known them all of their life.  The reason why this happens is because many times they are so similar that they are absolutely comfortable with them.  This is not to say that they do not have differences which are always like surprises in a relationship because they bring about variety, and excitement, but fundamentally the two of them are very similar.  Similarities bring closeness, comfort, and understanding. 

Sometimes people think that if they are similar to their significant other that somehow they will get into altercations or start becoming bored.  That is a perfect lie that has caused many people to make terrible relationship decisions.  The more similar you are, the more you “get” one-another.  Everyone wants to be understood and understand someone else.  The older you get, the less time you feel you have to explain yourself to someone, so if you are thirty and up, take this to heart particularly.  When someone “gets” you, you’ll move freely together as a unit.  Like two pair of doves or a hot choreographed couple on the dance floor.  You become an item. 

When you have understanding, you also have agreement.  Agreement allows the two of you to make decisions quickly without much of a fight.  When two people think two different ways, their mentalities will clash which slows down their progress as a couple.  When he hates the theatre, but you live for it, there will be little agreement.  When she would prefer to live in California, but he cannot stand the West Coast and has vowed he will never live there, eventually there will be a disagreement.  When he loves talking about technical things like computers and he hates travel and you love talking about travel and hate technical things, you all will find a limit.  If he loves going out all the time, but you’re a homebody then check it.  If you go dancing every weekend and he has two left feet, think about it. 

Yes, you can get by for a while on surface conversation and enjoy discovering your small similarities, but this only lasts a few months to a few years.  If these examples are all you differ in, then someone may be able to bend or accommodate the other person which is what couples are supposed to do, but if there are too many major differences, then there may be someone else more agreeable to you. 

Knowing yourself means having a firm grip on your life-vison as well.  What do you ultimately want to do or become?  Have you settled on a career path?  If you do know, then your mate must match you in this area.  The more closely you match in profession, the more you will flow together.  Your interests, lifestyles, and personalities will match a lot better.  For instance, if a nurse marries a musician, they will have completely different lifestyles usually.  Or if a lawyer marries Broadway dancer, they will find it difficult to stay fully connected.  Now there is a loophole around this.  If these couples that are in two different professions admire each other’s work greatly, are knowledgeable of and support each-other in their various careers, then it can work.  But they both must be engaged in each-others work in some form.  They must already be or find interest in their jobs and stay connected by reading up on what their mate does, going to corporate or social events with them etc. 

FRIENDSHIP FIRST

If friendship happens naturally, you may be on to something.  The more natural, and intrinsic your friendship is from the onset, the easier it will be to automatically fall in love.  When you can enjoy each-other’s conversation, laugh and have the time of your lives with just the two of you, you may have something special.  When they can respect, honor, promote, tease, and counsel you as a friend, it is a good sign.  When you have a feeling of satisfaction, fullness, or completion with just their friendship without romance, you could only image what it would be like to take it a few steps further.  When as friends, you have earned each-other’s loyalty and trust by honest proving actions, you have laid the foundation for intimacy.  When you can see the highs and lows of the person and still want to be around them all the time and add to their life, it is a good sign.

I FEEL SOME “KINDA WAY”

There are reasons why you should pursue a relationship and why you should not.  Let’s start with what you do not base a relationship move on.  This is going to sound juvenile, but we have to cover it just in case!  Here it goes…..”He drives a nice car.”  His car has absolutely nothing to do with you.  It’s his, and it probably has a big fat car note which he’s past due on.  Now that that is out of the way, let’s move to the next thing.  “He has money and he buys me stuff.”  This is an action he may be doing to impress you and butter you up for something he wants, but typically time will tell if it is being done out of his heart.  Keep watching.  The next things are, “he’s so driven and passionate in his career” or “he’s handsome” or “he knows all the right people” or “she can cook” or “we like all the same things” or “we grew up together.”  All of these phrases are not reasons to get deeply committed with someone or marry  You may feel a feeling of love or infatuation which is fleeting in nature, but it does not provide enough fuel to get you through a lifetime together.  It may be surface love in general.

So why do you peruse him or her?  The short answer is because you are “In Love.”  I do not use this term lightly like people normally misuse it and I will explain.  Being in love involves a deep, unusual, satisfying of a longing in the soul you may not have been aware was there.  It goes beyond what you can comprehend and seems to be spiritual.  It is the merging of the spiritual, intellectual, and emotional parts of the two of you.  It is the two people tangled in real romance. 

Again, I use an often misused term, “romance” which people seem to think has to do with physically making love, but real romance has nothing to do with sex.  When two people are really in love, they become satisfied by the other forces.  The conversation between you takes on a life of its own when you are really in love.  You almost know what the other person is going to say because you “feel” them.  Their words penetrate your soul, lift you and stay in your mind as food for thought.  You find yourself listening to their advise and acting upon it for the first time because of where their words are coming from.  They are not saying things manipulatively or out of their head.  They genuinely have your best interest at heart aside from themselves.  They minister to your entire inside selflessly and they want the best for you, even if it means not being with them. 

They want to hear what you have to say.  When both of you are truly in real love, you want to listen to the other person speak without your normal guards and defenses you have with others.  There is something in words that can set a heart on fire.  Words and the flow of language are the foundation for true romance.  When a woman or a guy can get to your heart, they have potential.  When they can pierce your facades and disarm you completely, they have something special.  When they can look you right in the eye and say things to you and you know they mean it because of the way it “hit” you, there is magic about to happen.    

They may know more about you than you know about yourself.  Okay, how is this possible?  It’s definitely not because they stalked you….at least we hope not! Anyway, true love is spiritual believe it or not.  When you enter the spirit world with someone, things become transparent.  If you go there with a man or women, you venture into territory where things are naked and open.  This does not happen too many times over the course of one’s life.  So the person may see your gifts and can call them out to you.  They hear your talent coming out of your mouth without you telling them anything.  Just by interacting with you just a little bit, you become an open book they just have to read.  When they see these gifts, they push and encourage you toward them without any fear or insecurity.  They gently correct you if they see you slacking by holding you accountable to your own life.  They KNOW you and love everything they know.  This endears your heart to them and creates a gratefulness.

They touch your inside in ways you have never experienced.  There are so many parts of the human soul.  As I mentioned earlier, there are the spiritual, intellectual, and emotional sides, but there are deeper components inside of each and layers within.  That is why you may feel love for one person which is one level, but then you are “head over hills” out of control for another.  One person took your soul further in feelings.  The deeper you feel, the more you know you are in love.  And when you feel this way, you have a hard time getting them off your mind.  They seem to be a constant flow of thoughts and energy that you consciously have to dismiss with a lot of effort.  Because it is mutual, the thoughts are more intense due to the spiritual nature of love.  You are both in a space of timeless bliss intermingling and communing even when you are apart.  You are in tune with each-other’s feelings from afar and seem to reach out to one another simultaneously.  This is why he will text you right when you were thinking about texting him.  Your thoughts and hearts collided in the realm of love.  Too deep?….You’ll experience this one day….just wait for it.

WAIT!!!!!!

 It does not take rolling around in rose peddles and satin sheets intoxicated by wine under the glow of candlelight to have a romance.  It really doesn’t!  Honestly, real romance must be experienced without the complications of sex.  Let him chase you ladies! Guys…go after her with all your heart.  Move her soul with passionate words and poetry.  Hand written letters, emails and texts will produce a whirlwind of romance.  Keep listening and get them the very item they subconsciously mentioned that they needed.  Notice the little things and complement them generously.  Buy roses just because.  Download their favorite song to a CD and put it in their car.  Leave love notes in places only they could find them. Kiss their cheek or hand and really mean it.  Stare into their eyes and let them see your love.  No shame.  They need to feel your love in its full strength, so do not try to play it cool.  Not with this one.  Be yourself and let it ride. 

When sexual relations have been exchanged before true love blooms, one can get being in love confused with infatuation or lust.  Sexual energy causes chemicals in the body to race through the blood which cloud organized thought. The courting couple that engages in sex can easily ignore very important negative or questionable things they need to notice about their love interest.  This is not to say that you will not have the heated desire to make love to this special divine person.  Actually, it will not be easy for you to say “no” to the opportunity because you already connect on every level including the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and social realms.  The only level left would be connecting sexually which you may feel would complete the experience.  I mean…its only natural for you to want to express your love in this way.  It’s a God given desire born out of pure intentions because it is from a heart overflowing with love.  But withholding the act of sex must be done so that your love can be fully born. 

Making love too early aborts the true romance process many times. But how do we avoid sex with someone we are so crazy about?  Just run from it!  Set boundaries together that do not allow you to be alone in your homes or apartments.  Make a rule that you cannot go to any place that sex would be likely to happen.  But you both must be strong enough to keep each other accountable even with the other is weak.  Allow your love to become mature enough as it proves itself that it will last forever.  Once you both are certain, then it is time for the ultimate expression of love….Commitment and the covenant of love, not sex.  Your forever love wants to be with you forever.  If the love is true, you won’t be afraid to take her in marriage and she will say “yes.”  She will ask, “what took you so long.” 

HERE IT IS

So here he or she is.  Take one day at a time and enjoy the freedom you have in each-other.  Revel in the lack of inhibition you feel together because at last, true love has found you.  Heaven and earth aligned at a point of destiny that merged your two paths in an uncanny way and you just know it.  If the love is true, it can be challenged with all of the above ideas and it will stand forever.  If it is not, it will fall by the wayside because it has no root but only time will tell, so give it time and energy to find out.  Pray and find out if they are the one and it will all be revealed. Also, if the love is true, it will provoke you to a place of communion with God, so be sure to pray together.  Exercise your hearts against one-another with God at the center and grow in the garden planted only for the two of you.  If the love is true, it will take you to a place where you say “I do” and you can wait for the unity of your bodies.  If the love is true, romance will thrive from a place of deep, sincere friendship, understanding, and transparency.  Let all of these things happen intentionally and you’ll one day possess the passion and reality of true love. 

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